Even though Scarlet Johansson was the star of "The Island," I want back the two hours and nine minutes of my life that this movie took from me. It has a reasonable premise – people who think they survived a catastrophe live inside a sealed city and hope to win a lottery allowing them live on an unspoiled tropical island only to find out they are clones grown for spare parts. The first half is a pale imitation of "Logan’s Run" (as Ross Geller in "Friends" noted, "Only the sexiest movie ever made.”) and the second half is mainly car chases and constant peril. Ho-hum.
When the credits rolled, I noticed it was directed by Michael Bay. Never again. The director of "Armageddon," "Bad Boys II" and "Pearl Harbor" has earned a lifetime ban from me. Never again.
[2009: Unlike the story in a Michael Bay movie, this plot thickens. He certainly earned that lifetime ban, but for some reason, I broke the ban and went to see "Transformers." I'm glad I did - I liked it a lot. Strangely, two of Bay's normal weaknesses, human relations and romance, were the strongest points of "Transformers." I bought the romance between Sam and Michaela, and also the relationship between Sam and Bumblebee, which is really a formula we've seen a million times - a boy and his dog. A boy and his mechanical, 50-foot tall autobot dog that also turns into a 2009 Camaro. Still, a boy and his dog, and his achingly hot girlfriend.
"Transformers" worked, so I had to go see "Transformers: The Rise of the Fallen." I could pick that movie apart for several reasons, but if it was 30 minutes shorter, 1:52 instead of 2:22, it would be considered an amazing adventure flick. But since Bay had to be Bay, he made "Transformers 2" excruciatingly long (among other typical Bay flaws), so I'm reinstating the lifetime ban. A ban that will not be waived unless a future Michael Bay picture has previews with a future Megan Fox and her cleavage insisting that I attend.]