I Love You, Beth Cooper

"I Love You, Beth Cooper" is going to suck. How do I know?

First, let me give you the context. "I Love You, Beth Cooper" opens in two weeks, it's rated PG-13 and it stars Hayden Panettiere. I've yet to see a preview or a commercial, but I'd bet it follows the basic "Boy meets girl, boy can't get girl, boy does something heroic and ends up with the girl" formula.

Why is it going to suck?

Hayden is one of the current "It" girls. She's hot, she's recognizable and she's hot. You know how you make money with a Hayden Panettiere movie? You put her picture on some posters and start the projectors. As long as you don't overspend while making the movie, you're guaranteed a hit, at least enough to generate a healthy profit on opening weekend. The whole idea of making movies is to get asses in seats and Hayden will get plenty of teenage boys' asses in seats just because she's hot.

Why is it going to suck?

I just read an interview with Hayden Panettiere pushing the movie where she's talking about her "nude scene." Nude scene? In a PG-13 movie? Starring an "It" girl? "It" girls never take their clothes off in a movie, only former "It" girls do. There is not going to be a nude scene in "I Love You, Beth Cooper." A teaser scene to be sure, maybe topless from the back or something equally tame, but no real nude scene.

Why is it going to suck?

If Hayden is talking about her nude scene, it can only be because they want to generate more interest among teenage boys, who normally would be lining up to see this kind of movie but won't if it sucks. Teasing a nude scene that isn't there will get some asses in seats but is not a sustainable strategy unless all you want is a good opening weekend, but if all you are going to get is a good opening weekend because you know there won't be any repeat business, we can conclude that "I Love You, Beth Cooper" is going to suck.